Tell the Future! How To Become a Pint Reader

August 04, 2016

Remember how much fun Magic 8-Balls were? Remember? You ask your question, and a fortune awaits you with just a shake and a spin. Sadly, these days most of us don’t have an 8-Ball handy, but don’t despair: we’ve got another way to tell your fortune that’s even more fun… AND it involves ice cream.

Imagine how great it would be if you were a pint reader! You’d wow all your friends with your newfound knack for telling the future, simply by examining their Ben & Jerry’s pints. Ah, yes, it’s all becoming clear to us now: you’ll be invited to all the coolest parties, travel the world, and become rich and famous! Or, at the very least, you’ll probably get a chance to eat a lot of ice cream.

 

This is How It Works

The first thing you have to do is give yourself an awesome pint-reader name, like the Pint Whisperer or Madame Icecreamicus or the Great Swirldini.

Now that you’re in character, it’s time to start honing your prophecy skills. Follow these easy steps:

1. Take the pint from its eater (or pry it out of their death grip, as the case may be) when they're halfway-ish done with it. A pint can only be read when the eater has really had his/her way with it. You'll learn as much from how your eater eats their pint as from what chunks and swirls are revealed.
2. Summon all your fortune-telling powers. Close your eyes and place your fingers on the rim of the pint, humming quietly and becoming one with the dessertiverse.
3. Open your eyes, and focus only on the pint. What do you see? Take it all in. Memorize it. Feel it. Commit it to memory. 
4. Begin the interpretation.

 

Here's What to Look For:

The flavor.

What flavor the eater chose can say a lot about them. Do they like busy flavors, like The Tonight Dough? Probably an extrovert who likes to do as much as possible as often as possible. Don't forget to slow down now and then, social butterfly. No chunks, just swirls? They probably like a smooth, easy life and avoid bumps in the road. But are they missing out on life's opportunities by being so risk adverse?

Note: Be sure to do your research on the connection between flavor and personality before you begin!

The meltiness level.

Is the ice cream still frozen hard, or pretty melted? Still-frozen ice cream probably means that your eater likes to dive into projects without thinking them through first. So they may be underprepared for an upcoming journey or endeavor. Too melty may mean that they are unable to commit, waffling between several options in front of them as each option slowly melts away.

The chunks.

Count the visible chunks. Each chunk indicates a significant event to happen in the next year of the eater's life. A new romantic endeavor. A job promotion. A new Ben & Jerry's flavor that shakes up their world. 

The swirls.

Do you see a lot of swirls? Just a few? Swirls usually indicate the thread of love and friendship that runs through our lives. More swirls? More love and friendship coming your way. No swirls? Maybe your social life needs some help. Swirls that collide and clash and get muddy? There may be trouble with relationships on the horizon. Swirls that flow nicely together, parallel and in harmony? Nothing but happy times ahead.

The ice cream.

How does the eater eat their ice cream? Are they a smoother? A cliff-diver? Or a chunker? Smoothers like to keep balance in their life and will work to preserve it in the future. A cliff-diver is a risk-taker, always looking for the wild, the crazy, the extreme. Chunkers excel at prioritizing. They know what they like best and pursue it at all costs.

The taste test.

No fortune is complete without tasting the ice cream. Remind the eater that this point is non-negotiable. Basically, you should say, it’s official pint-reader business. The Great Swirldini declares it so! If the eater resists, then their future is dark indeed. But those who hand over a spoon with a smile will experience a lifetime of pure joy (especially, be sure to mention, if they return for a pint reading at least once a week…).

Hey, wasn't that fun? Now you have something cool to do the next time the gang gets together for a round of pints. But be careful, with this power comes great responsibility. Use it wisely.