A Festivus For The Rest Of Us!
Tired of all the commercial and religious aspects of the holiday season? Looking for a celebration that dispenses with all that pesky harmony and joy and replaces it with tears and yelling? Then Festivus is the holiday for you! Instead of carefully choosing a fir tree for your living room this season, erect an unadorned aluminum pole (preferably one with a high strength to weight ratio). Instead of gathering around a lovingly-prepared meal to banter pleasantly over mashed potatoes and green beans, air your grievances loudly and unapologetically. And instead of oohing and ahhing over homemade pies and cakes, retire to the living room to rain blows down upon your loved ones.
Now that’s a holiday.
And we think every holiday (and regular day, for that matter) is better with a few ice cream sundaes. Like these, that pay tribute to a magical holiday that lives on in the hearts of Seinfeld fans:
The Festivus Pole Sundae
The aluminum pole is the quintessential icon of Festivus — a way to tell all who enter your home that you eschew the trappings of the traditional December holidays and celebrate in your own twisted way. Just like the way this sundae, with its unadorned pretzel pole, tells onlookers, “I won’t fall prey to your sprinkles and fudge and nuts. No, I need only a sturdy pretzel to celebrate this season. And maybe some brownies. Because brownies.”
The Airing of the Grievances Sundae
“The tradition of Festivus begins,” Frank Costanza bellows, “with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!” Ah, family. Even if yours gathers to celebrate a real holiday, you might end up sitting through an impromptu airing of grievances. And then you’ll need a sundae like this to recover — a decadent concoction of Chocolate Therapy, caramel drizzle, and a dash of whiskey, all served up in a (definitely necessary) tissue box.
The Feats of Strength Sundae
George’s least favorite part of Festivus is one that we can only hope won’t be playing out at your holiday gatherings this year: the feats of strength. As soon as anyone nominates you for the “honor” of wrestling Uncle Jim in the dining room, head to the kitchen and whip up this honorary sundae instead: three big scoops of Boom Chocolatta Cookie Core topped with a cookie and a life-like tableau of gummy bears performing the feats themselves. Better them than us.