Most of the time, eating ice cream is nothing but euphoria. Chunky Monkey after dinner? Nothin’ but happiness. A little Strawberry Cheesecake as an afternoon snack? Don’t mind if we do. Some Vanilla Caramel Fudge for guests after your dinner party? Smiles all around.
But every once in a while, disaster strikes.
And by disaster, we mean one of these very real, no-good, very bad ice cream injuries. Believe us, ice cream headaches are only the beginning . . .
This one isn’t limited to Scoop Shop Scoopers on Free Cone Day (although they are the primary sufferers). Symptoms include a cramped, painful elbow adjacent to one’s scooping hand. How to beat it? Ice the inflicted area with a couple of pints.
Trying to avoid Scooper’s Elbow by eating right out of the pint? That’s a great plan, until the dreaded Chilly Hands sets in. Sufferers report feeling an icy cold numbness in the hand region, usually caused by gripping a cold pint with all one’s might. Reverse it by gripping a mug of hot cocoa. Ice cream optional.
When you’d rather sip your ice cream euphoria, a milkshake is in order. But disaster can strike in the form of the dreaded Milkshake Splatters. Didn’t put the blender lid on tight enough? Botched the pour? You might see such symptoms as drippy drops on your shirt and/or pants and possibly a puddle on your kitchen counter. Nothing a dish cloth can’t handle. Or an especially dedicated tongue.
We know how easy it is to get a little too excited about that bowl of Americone Dream and dive in with reckless abandon. And then — POW! — you’re hit with a pain in the head that feels like your whole brain is freezing over. The good news? Wait a few seconds, and all symptoms should subside. No guarantees you won’t give yourself another one, though, when you dive in again.
Like your ice cream particularly soft and melty? Yeah, we do, too. And we are no strangers to the malaise known as Drippy Chin. In the furor to enjoy our whole bowl before it liquefies, sometimes a few chin drips are worth the wipe.
Watch it! Walking while staring lovingly at that cone, milkshake, or bowl and spoon has its dangers. Like ice cream-induced Stubbed Toe. A few minutes of screaming obscenities should solve the problem, but we urge caution in the future, ice cream lovers.
Even sitting has its risks, though. Ever noticed that the bottom end of an ice cream cone is pretty pointy? Let it slip from your fingers and you could be looking at a lap-region Cone Puncture. Symptoms are generally minor (except for whomever does your laundry). No guarantees on the health of your cone, though.
For particularly unfortunate ice cream lovers, this affliction often comes in conjunction with a Cone Puncture. Symptoms include a chilling sensation in the lap region, along with ice cream drips down one’s pants. Get out the stain remover!
Sometimes spooning ice cream lovingly into your mouth is more dangerous than it seems. Trying to get that spoon through a particularly frozen scoop or break up that monstrous caramel core can lead to an unfortunate Finger Cramp. The experts recommend resting the finger for as long as it takes. Or, as long as your belly can hold out sans ice cream.
Spills and dribbles aren’t the only risks associated with at-home milkshake making: there’s also the dreaded Tongue Strain. If you make your shake too thick, even the fittest of tongues won’t be able to coax it up a straw. Rest your tongue, and add some more liquid to your shake.
Have you experienced these ice cream-related injuries? We like to think that ice cream eating is nothing but euphoric, but danger lurks even in a pint of Phish Food. Be careful in there, ice cream lovers.